i appologized, bought dana a gift, made her a scrapbook and got a tattoo of the words "do no harm" on my wrist. We are better now. I still feel bad but yeah...

Yesterday I pushed dana out of anger and I shouldn't have. I am trying to show her I care about her and that I am sorry by telling everyone this. I am a jerk and it was wrong. I don't ever want to hurt her again, in any way.

I love her so much and I cant stand to lose her..

I have been doing this natural art project for over a month now. I make art out of natural materials in the park and then document how it changes over time.

( LOTS of pics )

I have really fallen off the wagon again in terms of journaling. I just dont feel the urge anymore.

I will try though because it is probably good for me.

I started talking to a girl online and now we have met a few times to walk our dogs in the park. w00t! for making new friends (or potential friends).

I am trying to be more open and less scared.

I found her through a strictly plutonic ad on craigslist so I decided to put one up today and see if anyone responds.

Here is what it says, am I lame?

"I am looking for new friends in Denton.

I love books, animals, tattoos, piercings, body mod in general, movies, tv, and walks in the park.

I am a broke ex college student so I mostly do free things for fun.

I take pictures of flowers and trees.

I don't go to bars or drink coffee.

I have a dog and a partner in life.

Email me if you would like to talk and maybe we can hang out, go to a movie, or for a walk in the park. "

I am. I know it. ah well...

I tried.

Would you be my friend?

SCHOOL IS OVER!!!

Life is sweet.

I have applied for a bunch of jobs and haven't heard anything. Wish me luck!

Dog and I have been taking lots of walks and pictures. I like taking pictures.

I don't know what to say anymore. I want to write but don't have anything to say.

Out.

I did it!!

It took four tries, four!, to get it straight because I have a deviated septum and my nose is crooked. I don't like this jewelry but I think it is cute and will be cute when I get new jewelry. What do you guys think?

Out.

well well well it's been a while. it is hard to sit and focus these days. I am just trying to finish school and find a new job.

Dana's dad prayed with me for a new job so I think it'll happen soon. :)

I have been taking pictures lol they are up on photobucket. You should check them out.

I might be doing something cool today but I don't want to jinx it.

Out.

Going along with Ashleys entry I thought I would look up my last dream. I dreamed that Dana, Ashely, Zak, and I tried to kill ourselves by lighting ourselves on fire.

So I looked it up:
Suicide
To dream that you commit suicide, suggests that conditions in your life are so frustrating that you no longer want to deal with the situation or relationship You may be harboring feelings of guilt that you cannot get over and thus turning the aggression on yourself. You need to start approaching problems from a different angle. Alternatively, it may suggest that you are saying good-bye to one aspect of yourself and hello to a whole new you. It is symbolic of a personal transformation or a new stage in your life.
Fire
Depending on the context of your dream, to see fire in your dream can symbolize destruction, passion, desire, illumination, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. It may suggest that something old is passing and something new is entering into your life. Your thoughts and views are changing. In particular, if the fire is under control or contained in one area, then it is a metaphor of your own internal fire and inner transformation. It also represents your drive, motivation, and creative energy.


Pretty accurate I think.

I have 35 days until school is over. I can make it. I can make it.

Chocopup has almost learned Shake now and it is the cutest thing ever!

Zak's b-day was great. I uploaded photos, click the links in the last entry and just go to his folder.

Out.

Chocopup and I took a walk today and took lots of pictures. I have decided to start taking pictures when we walk because I like it. So as to not kill my journal with tons of photos I opened a photobucket account.

Here is the walk last week.
Here is the walk today.

I think you guys should check it out, there are lots of goodies in there.

In other news I have tried to start teaching chocopup to shake and kiss. She is starting to get shake, not so much kiss. She will be so cute when she gets it though!

It is raining so I skipped Zombie tag tonight. I am kind of sad but not really.

Out.

In class Thursday I came up for some goals for life after graduate school.
(in no particular order)
Goals
Read More
Walk Regularly
Get Outside More
Turn the TV Off Sometimes
Less Reality TV
Better Friendships
Do Scary Things
Try New Things
Be Alone and Be Ok
Write
Create
Work on Myself
Teach Dog a New Trick
Study Things I'm Interested In
Actually Learn Something
Start Doing Positive Affirmations

I think they are pretty good goals and I will hopefully be able to accomplish them.

I can not wait for the semester to be over. I met with my adviser about it and did what I am supposed to to take a break. She let me know that I have 7 years from the day I started to finish my degree which means I have until 2012 to go back to school. Sweet! I think a 3 year break is exactly what I need.

I am working out my finances and stuff. My tattoo is healing (the stupid nurse practitioner put me on antibiotics).

That is all for now I guess
I am stoked about Zaks b-day this weekend! We got him some awesome gifts!

Out.

Lets see, an update.

I am struggling to get through the semester. It is tough keeping motivated to finish. I just have to make it 40ish more days.

Dana and I got new tattoos. Now we each have 4. I am having trouble with mine though. Apparently I am allergic to blue tattoo ink as well as red. I am actually more allergic to the blue. I am going to a doctor tomorrow. I hope I can keep the tattoo and maybe get it refilled with green or something I know my body doesn't mind. I might have to stop getting tattoos though. We will see.

We played zombie tag this weekend and it was awesome!

Zaks b-day is coming up woo!

ok that's all I can muster energy for.

Out.

We went to my moms house and it was fun. I miss my mom. Here is a pic of her new dog, and the funniest pic i accidentally took.




Yes that is Chocopup in the back pooping lol totally on accident but I think its hilarious!

Yesterday Danielle and Dana got matching sister tattoos. The tat is of the constellation Orion.

Here they are together. Dana's is on her ribs.
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She is a nut. They both took it like a champ.

I am jealous!
I cant wait to do my next one!

Now I feel sick and i am supposed to be doing homework but i feel gross.
Out.

So I have decided to take a break from school. Once I said it and got it into my head it just sounds good. I realized today that I have been in school for 19 year straight! 19! no wonder i am burnt out.

So far I have applied at CVS, Walgreens, and petsmart (but i don't think they'll take me). I am hoping for walgreens (WG) or CVS. My mom suggested I try being a pharmacy tech and for some reason i dig the idea. I like to interact with people but i also like detail oriented, organizing, sort of activities. it would do both. I want WG or CVS because they do in house training. If I had to take classes id be upset lol.

I am just trying to think of something I could do, and live off of, for the next 5 years. then I will reevaluate my life.

I need to make an appointment with my adviser to see what to do about my program, or if i want to come back. I requested a meeting with the money management center to help figure out my debt. I am 64 grand in the hole right now. As far as i know anyway.

Tomorrow Dana, Chocopup, and I are driving to my moms for the weekend. We got chocopup her first Kong toy too! It should be a big weekend for everyone.

I found a dollar in the parking lot today!

yup yup. ok i'm
Out.

I have been talking about my lack of a career path all day. I also started thinking I am going to get a 2nd job this summer. I need 2500 worth of dental work (stupid me skipping two years of cleanings, now i need a root canal). I have 1200 extra loan money but i need to make up the rest. Anyway, I told myself that I will take my next counseling class in the fall and see if i pass or not. if i fail then i will quit.

Right now I am liking the idea of being a drifter though. I kind of want to just have jobs until i'm sick of them and then move on. Try stuff out. I don't think I could live doing it though.

I want to quit school at this moment but i will give myself the summer to think it over. I could always go to the first couple classes and decide.

I don't know.

Anyway, help me brainstorm jobs I could get this summer that work with these hours.
MTWRF 4pm-whenever, Sat any hours, Sun off. I only want to work like 10-15 hrs a week, and i don't care if i make minimum wage. I don't want to do fast food or be outside.

My mom suggested hospitals, like to be a tech, or something, or a vets office to help clean up etc.

I am thinking chipotle (only because i love it so much), grocery stores, ... that's all i've got.

Out.

I went to the Dr and she gave me Prozac. She said I should notice a difference in the first few days and then it'll be slow and steady. So we will see what happens.

School is hard. I just don't want to do the work anymore. I am hoping to get my spunk back soon cause I'm dying here.

Last night Dana, Zak, and I went on an adventure. We went under the theater curtains with gloves and masks and long handled brooms/dust pans and cleaned up the trash and rat poop. it was gross but kind of fun, well the exploring was fun not the poop. We were trying to figure out why the theaters smell bad but we didn't find anything. There must be something dead in the walls. We found a candy dispensing machine, a small leather chair with a drawer in it, and other randomness.

This was on postsecret today and it almost made me cry. I hope it is true.


I am sending my mom a Labradors for dummies and a puppy care for dummies book because she doesn't know what she is doing.

We might go to my moms during spring break, and bring the chocopup. We can only go if Dana can get off work. I can't go by myself anymore because my neck freaks out and then i hurt and am unable to do anything for days afterward. It sucks.

I guess that's it.

Out.

So I told my mom about my counselor today. At first she was just interested to hear about animal assisted therapy. She said she had never heard of it before. I could swear I told her this summer, but she was probably just not listening. Then I told her about trying to get medicine (My appointment is Friday) and she got quiet. She ended the conversation by telling me she loved me and that she thought an animal would help me talk some.

We will see what happens.

I still need to ask Dr.Chandler about the university classes and some help with that sort of thing. As of right now I will start the final parts of my program in the fall. Advanced Skills...dun.dun.dun...:(

I'm terrified!

I've been trying to listen to some of my older music again. I am trying to rekindle that spark I used to have. I used to be so moved by music. Lately I don't feel moved like that by much of anything.

We will see.

Out.

I started counseling again. My counselor is great. She is a Dr., not a student and she does animal Assisted Therapy to boot! Her dogs name is Dakota, she is a yellow lab and sweet as can be.

The only problem is I only get 8 sessions with her (for free!) and then I have to move to the clinic with a student. Sad.

On our first meeting she confirmed my suspicion that I have both anxiety and depression. my depression manifests itself as irritability and lack or motivation/tiredness. I am going to the doctor Friday for meds hopefully.

She is also going to talk about my career/school direction with me which I am glad for. Maybe all of this will lead to having a direction again.

Other than that I am working on a paper (30 pages minimum, the majority of my grade for the class) and a project (10min presentation on crisis intervention with sexual assault victims) at the same time. I got the day off work today (because they didn't need me) and it was nice. I worked on both those things all day. I kind of hope I get called out of work tomorrow too but I doubt it. Lori wont be there so ill probably have to go.

So yeah hopefully things will look up soon.

Out.

We took the hamster to a guinea pig rescue group who said they would take him. He will be adopted out to a new family. I am glad we got to help him.



Other than that I am having to think about some stuff right now. Hard stuff. Decision making type of stuff. It sucks.

I hate feeling overwhelmed and lazy at the same time. The apartment needs a cleaning but I just don't want to. It sucks and makes me not want to do anything else. I need to clean. I need to study. We will see if it happens soon.

I am kind of excited about my women's emotional health class. I am sad I missed it the last three weeks but I think it was worth it.

Off to watch House instead of doing anything.

Out.

The monologues went really well. my mom ended up coming cause she felt guilty. it was neat to have her there.

Dana and I had a big talk. I don't have time or energy to go into it right now though.

I updated all of my about me profile things to be more honest.

"To be honest, I don't even know anymore but here are a couple of things that come to mind.
-I watch a lot of tv
-I used to write (mainly homoerotic fanfiction)
-I have an interest in learning about all things sex, kink, or fetish
-I have an interest and love for body modification
-I have an interest in learning about faith and religion
-I am a counseling student, who wonders if she can do this
-I have social anxiety and lack social skills
-I wish I read more
-I hate my job
-I love my partner and my dog
-My vagina's name is Steve, aka Ashley H........."

In other news something big is in the works. We are not committing to it yet but I think it would be awesome. *winks at Ashley*

I am finally going to my other class again. Ive missed it the last couple of weeks because of v-day.

I found a hamster next to our dumpster yesterday. I am trying to find it a new home. It is causing havoc in this household though. The dog doesn't know what to do with herself.

ok off to class etc.
Out.